I am concerned that we may not be properly prepared to respond in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
One day last week, as I was headed into work, I found myself behind a Zombie Outbreak Response Unit vehicle. I know it was a Zombie Outbreak Response Unit vehicle because it had a sticker on the back telling me it was, and if you can’t believe a bumper sticker what can you believe?
I was reassured to discover that we have a Zombie Outbreak Response Unit: if we are overrun with undead, flesh-eating monsters it is comforting to know there is a highly trained, well-equipped specialist unit ready to burst into action and leap to our defence.
However, when I envisage a Zombie Outbreak Response Unit vehicle, what I imagine is a large, heavily fortified 4×4. Or perhaps a reinforced, souped up ambulance. Or something armoured with a flamethrower mounted on the roof.
I was slightly disconcerted, therefore, that this vehicle met none of my expectations. This vehicle was, in fact, a fifteen year old Skoda estate.
No matter, maybe looks are deceptive – throw the zombies off the scent.
Maybe this is a souped-up, highly modified, fast reaction vehicle.
But if that is the case, why was it driving at a resolute 40 mph despite clearly being in a 60 mph speed limit?
If I’m honest, I got the feeling that the driver’s heart just wasn’t in it.
I can only assume that the poor driver was demoralised by a woeful lack of funding; dispirited by a Government that doesn’t take the threat seriously; discouraged by a general apathy to the very real dangers that a zombie outbreak represents.
In these uncertain and volatile times surely we need to be more prepared than ever: as citizens, as a nation and, indeed, as a global community.
Never mind the AA, surely the Zombie Outbreak Response Unit is the real fourth emergency service and it needs funding appropriately.
I think we should write to our MP’s, petition parliament and stage protests to ensure that our needs are properly met.
Does anyone know who we should write to: is there a specific Minister for the Apocalypse or should I just write to the Home Secretary?