Last night I was fast asleep; that blissful, deep ‘Delta’ sleep, where you are really resting without being disturbed by all that REM business. Then:
THUMP, THUMP, THUMP
“LET ME IN THE FUCKING HOUSE YOU BASTARD…I’M WARNING YOU, STOP FUCKING ABOUT…”
What the – ?
Suddenly I’m awake and alert, what’s going on?
All this was delivered in a very loud, very raucous shout just discernable as having come from a (very pissed off) female. It is not occurring in our nice, quiet, refined close, but from the houses behind; the large conifers between us and them do nothing to shield the noise which sounds like it is right outside our bedroom window.
I look at the clock – it is 03:38.
THUMP, THUMP, THUMP
“I’M WARNING YOU, IF YOU DON’T OPEN THIS DOOR I’M GOING TO KICK THE FUCKER IN….”
This goes on for some time in a similar vein. Thoughts go through my head: should I call the police? Is there anywhere I can buy a high powered rifle at this time of night?
Then, more subdued voices. Presumably a neighbour trying to politely shut her up.
“IT’S MY FUCKIN’ HOUSE: MY NAMES ON THE FUCKIN’ MORTGAGE. I AM NOT BEING LOCKED OUT OF MY OWN FUCKIN’ HOUSE!”
This last statement obviously contrary to all available evidence.
She decides to try a different tack:
“RIGHT THAT’S IT, OPEN THE FUCKIN’ DOOR OR I’M ON THE PHONE TO YOUR PARENTS; GET THEM TO SORT YOU OUT. I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF DEALING WITH YOU.”
Obviously the threat of getting mummy and daddy involved doesn’t have the desired effect. Shouting continues.
After a while an ominous quiet descends, then the unmistakable trundle of a wheely bin. God knows what she’s doing now, but it’s not working. More shouting.
Finally it goes quiet, there’s the sound of a car starting up and driving away and peace returns. Of course, it’s too late now. Sleep has deserted me and the rest of the night’s sleep is fitful.
I hope this is not going to be a habit, but just in case, I have a solution. In these days of public service cutbacks, the police don’t want to be involved in such domestics, so I suggest that the neighbours should be able to take things into their own hands: